A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
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The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done