ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
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me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
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No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.