Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
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Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
don’t message me unless you have this energy
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.