tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
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Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
m’lady
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Is this a threat?
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO