My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
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Got ya covered
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
When you don’t understand how floors work
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
[Arriving in Hell]
*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
Breaking news:
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.