Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?

If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches

My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship

Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.

[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok

Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!

First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n

Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?

Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!

Captain: *sniff* Yarrr

My first child will be named New Folder.

So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.

-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral

I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.

Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*

*At the checkout

Cashier: How many croissants?

M: Four

*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.

M: Um six

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes

you learn something new every day oh god make it stop

Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”

Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”

Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”

ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask

My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!

Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about

KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u

[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]

ME: holy shit u saved me

OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die

My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”

That is because they also stole the fence.

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.

A rat. A rat is what.