Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then

Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw

I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?

[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R

Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!

I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.

Man these end times are taking forever

You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one

just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.

Me: Man I love the eighties

Grandparents: We have names

You know how I know society sets us up to fail?

Roombas only work if your house is already clean.

i love modern commerce

Me: I just got hit

911: are you ok

Me: with a car

911: oh my gosh

Me: a toy car

911: oh why did u call us then

Me: its now sticking out of my skull

Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]

Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?

Vampire: I don’t.

Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-

Vampire: also no.

computer: choose new password

math teacher: algebra

computer: password must contain numbers

math teacher: algebraXY

Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.

King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.

Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.

life finds a way

There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.

If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.

Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead

The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.

“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins

You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone