Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked

Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.

*first time seeing a musical

“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.

How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485

Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”

The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.

[first date]

her: do u like dogs or cats better

me: [reading menu] what page are u on

mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight

me: for the cake

mob boss: what

me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

mob boss: that’s not what I-

me: it’s my birthday

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”

– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game

Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.

Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?

Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.

The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.

None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.

yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter

*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend

My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.

Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?

Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.

My favorite part of any relationship is the very beginning, before the other person realizes what a mess you are and what a huge mistake they are making

Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine

me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?

When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.

*Dies eating gas station sushi

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.