Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
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Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
in the divorce i get custody of the little plate in the microwave
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring