Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
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lmfao come on
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Order here:
More here:
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID