*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
You Might Also Like
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Better luck next time champ
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Help Wanted
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.