Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
You Might Also Like
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
This kid is going places
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.