Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”

[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life

You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?

*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*

I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]

“Let’s call it a day.”

I don’t know what else you’d call it.

Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.

“Lets call it a turtle.”

See?

Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.

Note to self: I am a note

Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.

I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.

I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?

I decided against all those options and took the ticket.

What about a To-Don’t List?

Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!

Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.

My bachelor party always end with a wedding.

Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.

me: u ok babe?

babe: oink

people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice

a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.

[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!

I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.

I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.

ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there

My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.

Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:

7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That

“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?