If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
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The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
They got a point!
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW