Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.

Really bad spell of wether.

Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.

“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”

Where do turtledoves come from?

“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”

*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*

Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.

‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win

The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭

I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.

me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:

Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴

A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date

I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.

“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”

The future:

50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.

YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.

I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying

teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door

Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”

Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.

Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off

It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.