HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
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“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
The Assassin.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: There is snow in my paw and now you must carry me.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.