Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.

parents: arson?

police: yes, your son.

Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.

The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company

FRIEND: hertz?

ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does

Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.

Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.

hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?

Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~

I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.

[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok

Water: can you do me a solid?

God: sure *turns it into ice*

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.

Cop: Pull over

Me: you cold bro?

“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.

I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead

I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.

I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.

<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

This is enough internet for the day.

Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color

Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go

I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.

T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH

Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.