Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
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I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.