Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party

Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?

I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog

“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail

I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.

The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.

People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop

can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’

Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg

What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house

A spoo-key.

I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties

Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.

Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.

At ease

its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.

Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.

cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—

me: lemme stop you right there. yes

“You’re great in bed.”

— me, talking to my breakfast