Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.

Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”

Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se

Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

Had to try this trend 😊

Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour

My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.

About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.

I am ashamed of the scream I made.

Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*

LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”

Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol

Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron

My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”

When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?

[broken down by the side of the road]

ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.

You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely

Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?

4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter

The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.

I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away

boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus

me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator