So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
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It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes