They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
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All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.