Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house

I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.

I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?

[First day at Amazon]

me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*

manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol

I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.

My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind

Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you

Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops

The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:

yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes

Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.

me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.

pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.

Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

How do some animals just abandon their young like that??

After kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

[Takes notes]

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.

I put the p in pants.

Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels

Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.

Me: You have other pants and you wore those?

Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!

[costume shop]

Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.

me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-

*elephant charges and runs me over*

me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles

*elephant trumpets*

Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.

I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over