Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[steps on scale]

Me *shrugs*: New year, more me

starbuck cashier: can i get a name

guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben

me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me

I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.

To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question

This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

If cooking blogs were tweets:

Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!

🧵 1/246

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*

Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate

they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote

Search History:

Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #

Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.

me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet

“Don’t let me keep you”

Translation: Please go.

Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.

Me: How long have you had the other one?

“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”

~me, when I can’t open the cheese

Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.

What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?

*In church

9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…

Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep

9: oh

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip

amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming