Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.

Netflix and scream at our children?!

My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender

It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.

We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.

We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.

But I’m the one that needs meds?

I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.

*first date*

Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang

Can’t talk, competitively eating

*sharing nachos with my 17yo son

My doctor said my cervix is perfect.

I’m still blushing.

embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh

Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.

Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied

I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.

“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean

My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?

Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment

Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.