Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae

[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive

6: what’s 3+1?

Me: 4

6: noooo it’s 3

Me: 3+1 is 4

6: nooooo it’s 3

Me:

6: the 1 is silent

Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner

There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.

And their commentary has me crying 😭

Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*

My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT

*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second

JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here

MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula

WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh

My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”

I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.

Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”

My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.

But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?

GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”

GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”

She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.

My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.

I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.

Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.

Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.

Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.

4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.

I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.