Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: *comes in room* hey old lady

Me: *looks around*

5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady

Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*

ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]

GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?

E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.

GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?

The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.

Me: Mmm hmmm

Wife: Are you even listening to me?

Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.

The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.

Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.

my dog when i have a friend over

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job

They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years

The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow

I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas

I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”

Pray for me

Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.

They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.

Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.

I yelled what does BMX stand for?

He replied “DUI”.

You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.

“Please, no. I can try harder.”

You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.

Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”

“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.

People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.

I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed

Hey I just met you…

And this is Crazy…

But this is a nice restaurant…

So, Silence your baby!

You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”