Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.

Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.

Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.

Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown

Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-

Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!

I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.

The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.

What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
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( • – •) /
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/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.

Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.

Friend: Flyers for what?

Me: Some club called VIOLATION.

Britain be like

My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.

Me: Screw you, Tuesday!

Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.

Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.

My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store

You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.

Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.

[9 Moscow Mules later]

Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.

I sat back and watched it all unfold.

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell

Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?

Hub: Agreed

Me: Wait, where are you going?

Hub: Fishing. See you Monday

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.

me: 11 can you come here

11: am i in trouble?

me: …no…but…should you be?

11: no.

me: sus.

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.