even bears disappoint their mothers
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9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
indiana??? now they’re just making up states
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.