Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap

Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.

Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.

Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket

Cop: is that an olive in there?

Hot Ones isn’t extreme enough. Cover a wing in bees.

Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?

Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.

[texting gf]

February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”

February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”

Verizon: your online bill is ready

Me: ok. for what

*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”

“Brochure”

waiter: wine?

date: I don’t drink

waiter: water?

me: she said she doesn’t drink pal

I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.

[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there

Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT

I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.

2019: Crowd surfing

2020: Channel surfing

I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”

Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown

[paleontology class]

PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?

STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?

PROFESSOR: bingo!

STUDENT: *smug look*

PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous

Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.

Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.

Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL

Doctor:

Kid: Mom, will you play with me?

Me: Sure.

Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.

Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*

I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.

Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*

McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.

I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.

People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like

If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too

I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees

And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”

kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?

mom: i ate it

kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that

mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you

kid: oh god no i-

mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand