Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
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I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Things will get butter, keep churning
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.