Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?

me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]

guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy

*gets bitten by a radioactive bear

*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear

When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.

I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.

*in the car*

dog: where we going?

me: to the neuter clinic

dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!

me: no. your nuts

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.

you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat

Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000

[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages

In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.

The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.

As a kid: the floor is lava

As a parent: the floor is Lego™️

Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.

Daddy, where do oranges come from?

Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…

Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:

HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.

*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*

Him:*middle finger*

Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED

I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me

This is bullshit

What the hell is going on?

Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison

With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.

Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention

Wife: no it’s your birthday

My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again

I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian

I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song