I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
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Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
This seems like peak sibling energy
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.