Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)

*men apologize for their weakness*

*women apologize for their strength*

*aliens probe neither*

Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away

Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

Today’s weather from Yorkshire

[etched on my tombstone]

THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW

Are you dating a bunch of bees?

Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues

Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.

Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.

[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.

“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine

me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing

him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been

me: I tried to kiss a goldfish

Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…

~Kids

Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]

My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.

harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard

dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you

harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-

dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows

harry: hell ya

dumbledore: one is your blankey

*flirting poorly at the grocery store*

me: so do you eat food often?

Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.

I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”

Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.