Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
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*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer