If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
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“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Ovenable?
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids