[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
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Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Yes, this is exactly right
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Be the reason someone burns sage.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that