My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
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Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?
Fun Things
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
thought for sure getting laid off was way more sexual
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?