Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cw: you have a call holding

M: put it in my voicemail

Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent

M: hiiii this is Jennifer

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee

When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?

A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..

tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?

One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?

“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written

Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.

I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store

florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-

ME: CHECK PLEASE

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass

[Terminator Academy]

Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.

Insecurminator: oh no!

“Have you forgotten your password?”

Fish: 😔

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to

My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

Seems legit

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

Are you ok, human???

Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules

What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?

Gloves!

Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.