Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[College admissions office]

“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”

ME: that’s wack

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.

Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down

Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh

I can easily control the weather.

– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual

WebMD: *Blocked

When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.

A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.

Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity

You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.

Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]

I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky

Me: oh no please stop stabbing me

Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this

Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.

If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.

Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs

Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].

Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.

SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”

[In Court]

Does the Defense have any last words?

*defense rises* DE-FENSE

*Judge holds up picket fence*

DE-FENSE

*Jury starts The Wave*

Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.

I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.