cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
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Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…
Spider: [doing the moonwalk]
Narrator: wtf no
Spider: [breakdancing]
Narrator: omg
Spider: [doing the robot] lol
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
