Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
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They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Aaaa…CHOO!
My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.