Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back

My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.

Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.

*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill

I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.

*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.

So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’

I am not telling the truth.

When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲

Spring love is in the air!

*sprays repellent*

Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]

If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.

The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.

Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.

[in car]

7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd

*5 minutes later*

7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy

I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.

i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”

When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.

why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta

I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?

Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing

I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.

Why I still can’t play Chess:

Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”

Me: “Horse.”

OB: “…the Knight.”

Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”

OB: “I need you to go away now.”

at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭

Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.