CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
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Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching