I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
