Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
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me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
iPhone X
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Great game to play with friends
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.