Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.

Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.

[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS

I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.

Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.

[sitting in dentist’s chair]

Dentist: get out of my living room

Omg 🤣

– at a ramen restaurant –

Me: slurp

Me: sluuurp

Me: slur-

Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet

Me: im practicing leave me alone

Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you

“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”

I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler

Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online

My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband

Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house

Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons

Me: What about the housekeeper

Gma: Already talked to her

Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair

Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy

There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!

By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”

on da cob, we all corn

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.

“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”

A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.

sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book

Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.

Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.

cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.

me: why?

cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.

My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese

My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.

I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.

4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!