Has there ever been a more American story?
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I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it