Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.

“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails

Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.

Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”

The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?

3-year-old: Let’s play zombies

Me: OK

3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby

She tricked me into playing house

Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?

Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.

Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

[driving]

ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.

Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence

“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”

– Credit card chip inventor

– Me, writing tweets

I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul

Optometrist: please stop talking

I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.

Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*

[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.

Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?

This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.

I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.

Went in my local the other day, new barman very smiley and chatty I ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife, he smiled and asked ‘single?’ I replied sorry mate I’m married, he said I meant double or single vodka pal. Got to find a new local.

My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.

Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.

Merry Christmas

By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.

Are you Eminem?

Let’s find out…