My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
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[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.